The Real Search Guru

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real search guru please stand up?
I repeat, Will the real search guru please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here…

Y’all act like you never did black hat SEO
When your traffic was slow, not earning a cent from Quidco
And started stuffing keywords worse than before,
And without remorse, throwin’ in some hidden text
So if you’re searchin’ for… “Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding,
He didn’t just get to page 1 with that, did he?”
And Matt Cutts says… nothing you schmucks!
Cutts is way ahead, I’m stuck in Google’s sandbox!
Marketin’ people love Brad Callen {*chigga chigga chigga*}
“Brad Callen, I’m sick of him, Look at him, e-mailin’ around sellin’ his you-know-what,
Segmentin’ the you-know-who,” “Yeah, but he’s so rich though!”
Yeah, I probably got a couple of ads with no click-through
But I’m just going through what I learned from SEO-Book
Sometimes, I wanna get on AdWords and just let loose, but can’t,
cause i gotta pay per click to sell my produce
My site is in your links, my site is in your links
And if I’m lucky, you might just give me good anchor text
And that’s the message that we deliver to Jim Boykin
And expect him not to know what a semantic index is.
Of course they gonna know what’s meant by cloaking
And not to pay for backlinks
They got SearchEnginePeople.com don’t they?
We ain’t nothing without SEO, well, some of us can’t let go
Of what the net was like pre-google
But if we can code good CSS and not be stressed
then there’s no reason that a man and another man can’t have success
But if you feel like I feel, and want page one on SERPs,
Blog about it every day and get results when people search.

[chorus]
I’m the search guru, yes I’m the real Guru
All you other search gurus just copy what I do
So won’t the real search guru please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.

Andy Beal don’t gotta link in his blogs to sell his tools;
Well I do, so click here and click here too!
You think I really need to use link bait?
Half your sites are link farms and get no traffic anyway.
Guru, what do we do, if we’re lagging behind?
Try and get backlinks from sites with a Page Rank 9,
And use Google analytics to help you refine,
Your site so it can one day be as awesome as mine
Then sit beside Aaron Wall and Rand Fishkin
and hear ‘em argue over the best method for back-linkin’
Todd Malicote’s landing page from d-i-g-g
“Yeah, it works, but it’s not as good as technorat-ee!”
I should Google bowl your site down to PR3
and show the whole world how these days you can’t compete
I’m sick of you jumped up SEO teams, all of you are below me
so I have been sent down here to show you
That no-one else can meta tag like me,
optimize like me, and ignore DMOZ,
or link like me; digg, furl and blog like me,
I’m so great I’ve got me my own Wiki!

[chorus]

My site is easy to stumble to, cause I’m only giving you
Things that come about way before they’re on search engine room
The only difference is when google crawls, my site’s better than y’alls
I just sit back and watch as your page ranking falls,
People go on my site and digg it and whether you’d like to admit it,
My keywords did it so that 90% of searches find me,
And I wonder how can you pay for links and rank behind me,
It’s funny, cause at the rate i’m makin’ all this money
I’ll be tossin’ Bill Gates for his fortune cause it’s funny
I’m pinchin’ all your traffic cos they found my site searchin’
and its hurtin’ cause your second rate traffic ain’t convertin’
And every single person closed your site like it was curtains
You should be workin on stickiness
and not this SEO contest,
or on the forums just whining and posting how your sites don’t suck
trying to get your rep and your postcount up
So will the search guru please stand up,
and snatch one of those two letter domains right up
And be proud to be top of the pile, above the fold
With one more site, an’ its all down to SEO

[chorus]

The Original:

How many hits must a web site get
before it ranks in top ten
Yes, ‘n’ how many links must a page contain
before you click it again?
Yes, ‘n’ how many times must my keywords repeat
Before found by spiders and men?

The answer, my friend, is freakin’ S-E-O,
The answer is freakin’ S-E-O

How many times must I google myself
Before I can see my name?
Yes, ‘n’ how many clicks must one mouse make
Before it can find my domain?
Yes, ‘n’ how many metatitles are too long
And the annotations too lame?

The answer, my friend, is freakin’ S-E-O
The answer is freakin’ S-E-O

How many people must go to my site
Before I can giggle in glee?
Yes ‘n’ how many years can tech support wait
Before algorithms are free?
Yes ‘n’ how many times can I refresh my page
Pretending the user’s not me?

The answer, my friend, is freakin’ S-E-O
The answer is freakin’ S-E-O

Elizabeth Weintraub

Original:

Yes, Google loves me!
Yes, Google loves me!
Yes, Google loves me!
The payout tells me so!

Google loves me, this I know,
for the S E and the O.
Sending visitors to me,
click my ads and make money.

{Refrain}

Google loves me, number 1,
monetizing is so fun.
Taking all they have to give,
so I can afford to live.

{Refrain}

Google loves me, wouldn’t lie,
With click through rates going high.
Running mini-sites so canned,
Hoping that I don’t get banned.

{Refrain}

Google loves me, they will pay,
every month by the fifth day.
I’m rewarded for my pains,
waste it all on more domains!

Original:

She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah…yeah!

You think you lost your touch,
Think the traffic went away,
Well Google’s luck is tough,
But it came through yesterday.
Because she clicked you,
And you know that can’t be bad.
Yes, she clicked you,
And you know you should be glad.

Her influence is tops.
Think she’ll send some hits your way.
And since you’re all linked up,
Your ratings won’t evaporate.
Because she clicked you,
And you know that can’t be bad.
Yes, she clicked you,
And you know you should be glad.

She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
With your luck like that,
You know you should be glad.

It’s not too soon to plan,
Your business should soon escalate.
If she found you, others will,
So go ahead and celebrate.
Because she clicked you,
And you know that can’t be bad.
Yes, she clicked you,
And you know you should be glad.

She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
With your luck like that,
You know you should be glad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…yeah!

By KathyK…my Jewelry Website is under construction.

The original song:

Oh, give me a home, on a website well-known,
Where the old and the new searchers gaze,
Where seldom a search leaves me out in the lurch,
And my product becomes the new craze.

CHORUS:
Home, home on the Web,
Where Google sends traffic to tread,
Where hit after hit, it’s appealing to fit,
At the top of the search engine spread.

It mystifies me, what the search engines see,
How can I be on top and then gone?
Wish a way that was fair was consistently there
For users to rely upon.

CHORUS:
Home, home on the Web,
Where Google sends traffic to tread,
Where hit after hit, it’s appealing to fit
At the top of the search engine spread.

I’ll still have my fun on the website I run,
Won’t let search engine blues get to me,
Just suppose I create a new way websites rate,
How awesome to hold that new key!

CHORUS:
Home, home on the Web,
Where Google sends traffic to tread,
Where hit after hit, it’s appealing to fit
At the top of the search engine spread.

99 problems

If your having ranking problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Matt Cutts ain’t one!!

[Verse One]
I got the Goog patrol on the site I own!
Foes that wanna make sure my biz is closed
SEO critics that say he’s a DIgg using Hoe!
I’m from the hood stupid think I don’t know what kinda links is those!
If you grew up with SEO’s and the keyword flows,
You’d celebrate the minute you was makin doe! !!
I’m like F the critics you can kiss my whole a**hole
If you don’t like my code you can press fast forward
Got beef if i don’t stay white hat SEO!
They don’t track my links well i don’t give a shhhh, SO!!!
SEO Blog Hoes, try and use my brown ass so advertisers can give em more cash for ads…suckers
I don’t know what you take me as
or understand the intellegence that Steaprok has
I’m from rags to ritches yo i ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but Matt Cutts ain’t one
Click me!!

[Chorus]
99 Problems but a Matt Cutts ain’t one
If you havin ranking problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Matt Cutts ain’t one
Click me!!!

[Verse Two]
The year is ‘2002 and in my site is new!
In my rear view mirror is the mother f’n law
I got two choices yall stop payn for links or get dumped
Bounce on the devil put the pedal to the search
Now i ain’t tryin to see no blacklist or content that’s fake
Plus i got a few dollars I’ll fight the case
So i…pull down my arbitrage site to the side of the road
And i heard “Son do you know why i’m blacklisting you for?”
Cause i’m young and i’m brown and my sites ranks high!
Do i look like a blackhatter sir, i don’t know
Am i banned or should i guess some mo?
“Well you was ranking #1 when u supposed to be fifty four”
“Let me see your links and content and step out of the car”
“Are you carryin a 301 i know alot of you are”
I ain’t redirecting shhh! all my sites legit
“Do you mind if i poke round the source code a little bit?”
Well my HTML is validated so is the CSS and the Flash
And i know my rights so you gon’ need a warrent for that
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack , some type of SEO or something?”
Nah i aint Matt Cutts but i know a little bit
Enough that you won’t illegally ban my shhh!
“Well see how smart you are when the spiders come”
I got 99 problems but a Matt Cutts ain’t one
Click me!!!

[Chorus X2]

[Verse Three]
Now once upon a time not too long ago
An SEO like myself had to strong arm a Google
This is not a joke in the sense of just gettin traffic
But bout a webmaster not havin no God Damn sense, try and push me!!
I tried to ignore him and talk to the Lord
Pray for him, cause some fools just love to perform
You know the type loud as a motor bike
But wouldn’t rank a site in a fruit fight
The only thing that’s gonna happen is i’mma get to ranking
He and his boys gon be yappin to the captain!
And there i go traped in the supplemental again
Back through the system with the riff raff again!
bad sites on the trying get ranked again
seo fans with they cameras snappin them
Matt Cutts . tred to give a boy the shaft again
Half-a-mil for PPC cause i’m banned again
All because this fool was spamming them
Tryin to play the boy like hes saccharin
But ain’t nothin sweeta ’bout how i hold my rank
I got 99 problems but Matt Cutts ain’t one
click me!!

[Chorus X3]

You’re crazy for this one Bee
It’s your boy!!

My Blog
The Original Song:

Hello?
Where can I find this?
I’ve been looking all day.
Is there a better way?

Come on, now
I’m searching all around.
My fingers are in pain,
I need to stretch them out again.

(I’ll) relax
But I need this information first.
My smokes are down to tWo packs
Sometimes I cough so hard it hurts.

I am so tired of all this reading.
I think it’s the cause of my blurred vision,
The power just flashed, I’m so glad I saved.
The TV is on, but I don’t know what’s playin.
When I was a child, I saw a beaver.
Then she turned around and I saw her moon
Now I see that once again
No need to explain, you understand
This is just who I am,
I have to search because I’m dumb.

Ok.
I’m going to throw a brick
I dropped it on my toe — aahhhhhh!
I think I’m gonna be sick.

Let me stand up
I don’t think it’s broken, good.
Time to get searching, you know?
Man I really need to know.

I am so tired of all this reading.
I think it’s the cause of my blurred vision,
The power just flashed, I’m so glad I saved.
The TV is on, but I don’t know what’s playin.
This is finally starting to make sense,
I think I found it, I’m going to cry.
The computer crashed, and now it is gone,
I cannot set my eyes upon it now.
The computers down, my search is done
I’ve sat here ’till my butts numb

Lyrics by Bucky from The WVb

Original Song:

They can’t stand it. They know you planned it.
But you gotta show your peers your hall of mirrors.
Users get lost when they’re stuck in there.
But my maze of ads will give us all a share.
So while I buy for a dime and collect my rents
I’m busy flooding you with more adsense
Oh My God, It’s A Mirage
I’m tellin Y’all it’s arbitrage!

Su Su SU SO listen up and please don’t say nothin’
Might shut me down with a push of a big red button
But I grow and they know how
But my MFA is just a cash cow

Cause when you click, i definitely will get
a bill from one and from the other a big check
I’m scheming on a thing that’s a mirage (exact line)
I’m Trying to tell you now it’s Arbitrage

Clickin’ All Of Y’all It’s An arbitrage
Clickin’ All Of Y’all It’s An arbitrage
Clickin’ All Of Y’all It’s An arbitrage

They Can’t stand it. They know you planned it.
But you gotta show your peers your hall of mirrors.
They’ll turn their head when they see my mess
And pretend to care in public but send my check UPS
But keep white hat and stick to your niche
I’ll play the margins and make my own self rich
What Could It Be, It’s A Mirage
You’re Scheming On A Site; That’s Arbitrage!

Original Song: