I wake up with blood-shot eyes
Struggled to find out why
My rankings have slipped my mind
Pleasure that used to make me cry
Feels so good to make cash
Rankings aren’t worth the aftermath, after that
After that
Won’t try to get them back

I still don’t have the reason
And I don’t have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a F about rankings

Give me something to convert with
Cause I don’t believe in rankings anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
So kiss them goodbye

God damn my spinning head
Conversions are what buy the bread
Now I must analyze it
And deal with the carts left for dead
I want to increase my rate
Forget about the organic wait
I fall behind, down to eight
Rankings used to be great

I still don’t have the reason
And I don’t have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a F about rankings

Give me something to convert with
Cause I don’t believe in rankings anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
So kiss them goodbye

I’ve ranked first before
One day I’ll wake up
And it won’t hurt anymore
I found out it was a lie
Watched as my rankings died
Ranking reports don’t have a meaning
Cause

I still don’t have the reason
And I don’t have the time
And it really makes me wonder
If I ever gave a F about rankings

Give me something to convert with
Cause I don’t believe in rankings anymore
Anymore
I wonder if it even makes a difference to try
So kiss them goodbye
So kiss them goodbye, yeah

Lyrics by Taylor Pratt of LunaMetrics

Original Song:

Building these links in my old pajamas
Over by the door lordy here she comes
With a basket full of chicken and a big old jug of sweet tea
Send a couple emails as she walks on up
I Open up a browser and search for my stuff
Just look at her face, she ain’t a foolin’ me

She thinks my ranking’s sexy
It really turns her on
She’s always staring at me
While I’m clickin’ along
She likes the way it’s ranking with my SEO plan
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my Google ban
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my ranking’s sexy

We check out my rankings for my Pay Per Click ads
Moving back and forth on my sexy mouse pad
Trying to come up with a new social media plan
She says she’s got an idea for a link bait scam
“10 Ways to Get An ‘A’ On Your Final Exam”
One more link request email before we move along

She thinks my ranking’s sexy
It really turns her on
She’s always staring at me
While I’m clickin’ along
She likes the way it’s ranking with my SEO plan
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my Google ban
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my ranking’s sexy

Well she aint into cars or pick up trucks
But if it ranks number one man her eyes light up

She thinks my ranking’s…

She thinks my ranking’s sexy
It really turns her on
She’s always staring at me
While I’m clickin’ along
She likes the way it’s ranking with my SEO plan
She’s even kind of crazy ’bout my Google ban
She’s the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my ranking’s sexy

She thinks my ranking’s sexy
She thinks my ranking’s sexy

Lyrics by Taylor Pratt of LunaMetrics

Original Song:

Dave Naylor went down to Google. He was lookin’ for links to steal.
He was in a bind ’cause he was way behind, and he was willin’ to make a deal.

When he came across this young man protecting the SERPs and showin’ what’s hot,
And Naylor jumped up on a hickory stump and said, “Boy, let me tell you what.

“I guess you didn’t know it but I’m a Search Engine Guru.
And if you’d care to take a dare, I’ll make a bet with you.
Now, you got a pretty good engine, boy, but give Naylor his due.
I’ll bet a computer of gold against your soul, ’cause I think I can trick you.”

The boy said, “My name’s Matt Cutts, and it might be a sin.
But I’ll take your bet, you’re gonna regret, ’cause I’m the best that’s ever been.”

Matt, crank up your tools and be on your guard,
‘Cause hell’s broke loose in Google and Dave Naylor deals the cards.
And if you win you get this shiny computer made of gold.
But if you lose, Naylor gets your soul.

Naylor opened his laptop and he said, “I’ll start this show.”
And fire flew from his fingertips as he searched and hit go.
He pulled the results up on his screen and it made an evil hiss.
Then a band of Spammers joined in and it sounded somethin’ like this:

::Fiddle interlude::

When Naylor finished, Matt said, “Well, you’re pretty good, old son,
but sit down in that chair right there and let me show you how it’s done.”

Fire on the mountain. Run, boys, run.
Naylor’s in the House of the Rising Sun.
Graywolf’s on the first page makin’ that dough.
Shoemoney, are your links bought? No, child, no.

Naylor bowed his head because he knew that he’d been beat,
And he laid that golden computer on the ground at Matt Cutts feet.
Matt said, “Dave, just come on back if you ever want to try again.
Cause I told you once, you son of a gun, I’m the best that’s ever been.”

He played:

Fire on the mountain. Run, boys, run.
Naylor’s in the House of the Rising Sun.
Graywolf’s on the first page makin’ that dough.
Shoemoney, are your links bought? No, child, no.

Brought to you by CountryCritter.com - Rustic Furniture

Original:

The Real Search Guru

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real search guru please stand up?
I repeat, Will the real search guru please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here…

Y’all act like you never did black hat SEO
When your traffic was slow, not earning a cent from Quidco
And started stuffing keywords worse than before,
And without remorse, throwin’ in some hidden text
So if you’re searchin’ for… “Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding,
He didn’t just get to page 1 with that, did he?”
And Matt Cutts says… nothing you schmucks!
Cutts is way ahead, I’m stuck in Google’s sandbox!
Marketin’ people love Brad Callen {*chigga chigga chigga*}
“Brad Callen, I’m sick of him, Look at him, e-mailin’ around sellin’ his you-know-what,
Segmentin’ the you-know-who,” “Yeah, but he’s so rich though!”
Yeah, I probably got a couple of ads with no click-through
But I’m just going through what I learned from SEO-Book
Sometimes, I wanna get on AdWords and just let loose, but can’t,
cause i gotta pay per click to sell my produce
My site is in your links, my site is in your links
And if I’m lucky, you might just give me good anchor text
And that’s the message that we deliver to Jim Boykin
And expect him not to know what a semantic index is.
Of course they gonna know what’s meant by cloaking
And not to pay for backlinks
They got SearchEnginePeople.com don’t they?
We ain’t nothing without SEO, well, some of us can’t let go
Of what the net was like pre-google
But if we can code good CSS and not be stressed
then there’s no reason that a man and another man can’t have success
But if you feel like I feel, and want page one on SERPs,
Blog about it every day and get results when people search.

[chorus]
I’m the search guru, yes I’m the real Guru
All you other search gurus just copy what I do
So won’t the real search guru please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.

Andy Beal don’t gotta link in his blogs to sell his tools;
Well I do, so click here and click here too!
You think I really need to use link bait?
Half your sites are link farms and get no traffic anyway.
Guru, what do we do, if we’re lagging behind?
Try and get backlinks from sites with a Page Rank 9,
And use Google analytics to help you refine,
Your site so it can one day be as awesome as mine
Then sit beside Aaron Wall and Rand Fishkin
and hear ‘em argue over the best method for back-linkin’
Todd Malicote’s landing page from d-i-g-g
“Yeah, it works, but it’s not as good as technorat-ee!”
I should Google bowl your site down to PR3
and show the whole world how these days you can’t compete
I’m sick of you jumped up SEO teams, all of you are below me
so I have been sent down here to show you
That no-one else can meta tag like me,
optimize like me, and ignore DMOZ,
or link like me; digg, furl and blog like me,
I’m so great I’ve got me my own Wiki!

[chorus]

My site is easy to stumble to, cause I’m only giving you
Things that come about way before they’re on search engine room
The only difference is when google crawls, my site’s better than y’alls
I just sit back and watch as your page ranking falls,
People go on my site and digg it and whether you’d like to admit it,
My keywords did it so that 90% of searches find me,
And I wonder how can you pay for links and rank behind me,
It’s funny, cause at the rate i’m makin’ all this money
I’ll be tossin’ Bill Gates for his fortune cause it’s funny
I’m pinchin’ all your traffic cos they found my site searchin’
and its hurtin’ cause your second rate traffic ain’t convertin’
And every single person closed your site like it was curtains
You should be workin on stickiness
and not this SEO contest,
or on the forums just whining and posting how your sites don’t suck
trying to get your rep and your postcount up
So will the search guru please stand up,
and snatch one of those two letter domains right up
And be proud to be top of the pile, above the fold
With one more site, an’ its all down to SEO

[chorus]

The Original:

How many hits must a web site get
before it ranks in top ten
Yes, ‘n’ how many links must a page contain
before you click it again?
Yes, ‘n’ how many times must my keywords repeat
Before found by spiders and men?

The answer, my friend, is freakin’ S-E-O,
The answer is freakin’ S-E-O

How many times must I google myself
Before I can see my name?
Yes, ‘n’ how many clicks must one mouse make
Before it can find my domain?
Yes, ‘n’ how many metatitles are too long
And the annotations too lame?

The answer, my friend, is freakin’ S-E-O
The answer is freakin’ S-E-O

How many people must go to my site
Before I can giggle in glee?
Yes ‘n’ how many years can tech support wait
Before algorithms are free?
Yes ‘n’ how many times can I refresh my page
Pretending the user’s not me?

The answer, my friend, is freakin’ S-E-O
The answer is freakin’ S-E-O

Elizabeth Weintraub

Original:

Yes, Google loves me!
Yes, Google loves me!
Yes, Google loves me!
The payout tells me so!

Google loves me, this I know,
for the S E and the O.
Sending visitors to me,
click my ads and make money.

{Refrain}

Google loves me, number 1,
monetizing is so fun.
Taking all they have to give,
so I can afford to live.

{Refrain}

Google loves me, wouldn’t lie,
With click through rates going high.
Running mini-sites so canned,
Hoping that I don’t get banned.

{Refrain}

Google loves me, they will pay,
every month by the fifth day.
I’m rewarded for my pains,
waste it all on more domains!

Original:

She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah…yeah!

You think you lost your touch,
Think the traffic went away,
Well Google’s luck is tough,
But it came through yesterday.
Because she clicked you,
And you know that can’t be bad.
Yes, she clicked you,
And you know you should be glad.

Her influence is tops.
Think she’ll send some hits your way.
And since you’re all linked up,
Your ratings won’t evaporate.
Because she clicked you,
And you know that can’t be bad.
Yes, she clicked you,
And you know you should be glad.

She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
With your luck like that,
You know you should be glad.

It’s not too soon to plan,
Your business should soon escalate.
If she found you, others will,
So go ahead and celebrate.
Because she clicked you,
And you know that can’t be bad.
Yes, she clicked you,
And you know you should be glad.

She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
She clicked you, yeah, yeah, yeah.
With your luck like that,
You know you should be glad.

Yeah, yeah, yeah…yeah!

By KathyK…my Jewelry Website is under construction.

The original song:

Oh, give me a home, on a website well-known,
Where the old and the new searchers gaze,
Where seldom a search leaves me out in the lurch,
And my product becomes the new craze.

CHORUS:
Home, home on the Web,
Where Google sends traffic to tread,
Where hit after hit, it’s appealing to fit,
At the top of the search engine spread.

It mystifies me, what the search engines see,
How can I be on top and then gone?
Wish a way that was fair was consistently there
For users to rely upon.

CHORUS:
Home, home on the Web,
Where Google sends traffic to tread,
Where hit after hit, it’s appealing to fit
At the top of the search engine spread.

I’ll still have my fun on the website I run,
Won’t let search engine blues get to me,
Just suppose I create a new way websites rate,
How awesome to hold that new key!

CHORUS:
Home, home on the Web,
Where Google sends traffic to tread,
Where hit after hit, it’s appealing to fit
At the top of the search engine spread.

99 problems

If your having ranking problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Matt Cutts ain’t one!!

[Verse One]
I got the Goog patrol on the site I own!
Foes that wanna make sure my biz is closed
SEO critics that say he’s a DIgg using Hoe!
I’m from the hood stupid think I don’t know what kinda links is those!
If you grew up with SEO’s and the keyword flows,
You’d celebrate the minute you was makin doe! !!
I’m like F the critics you can kiss my whole a**hole
If you don’t like my code you can press fast forward
Got beef if i don’t stay white hat SEO!
They don’t track my links well i don’t give a shhhh, SO!!!
SEO Blog Hoes, try and use my brown ass so advertisers can give em more cash for ads…suckers
I don’t know what you take me as
or understand the intellegence that Steaprok has
I’m from rags to ritches yo i ain’t dumb
I got 99 problems but Matt Cutts ain’t one
Click me!!

[Chorus]
99 Problems but a Matt Cutts ain’t one
If you havin ranking problems i feel bad for you son
I got 99 problems but a Matt Cutts ain’t one
Click me!!!

[Verse Two]
The year is ‘2002 and in my site is new!
In my rear view mirror is the mother f’n law
I got two choices yall stop payn for links or get dumped
Bounce on the devil put the pedal to the search
Now i ain’t tryin to see no blacklist or content that’s fake
Plus i got a few dollars I’ll fight the case
So i…pull down my arbitrage site to the side of the road
And i heard “Son do you know why i’m blacklisting you for?”
Cause i’m young and i’m brown and my sites ranks high!
Do i look like a blackhatter sir, i don’t know
Am i banned or should i guess some mo?
“Well you was ranking #1 when u supposed to be fifty four”
“Let me see your links and content and step out of the car”
“Are you carryin a 301 i know alot of you are”
I ain’t redirecting shhh! all my sites legit
“Do you mind if i poke round the source code a little bit?”
Well my HTML is validated so is the CSS and the Flash
And i know my rights so you gon’ need a warrent for that
“Aren’t you sharp as a tack , some type of SEO or something?”
Nah i aint Matt Cutts but i know a little bit
Enough that you won’t illegally ban my shhh!
“Well see how smart you are when the spiders come”
I got 99 problems but a Matt Cutts ain’t one
Click me!!!

[Chorus X2]

[Verse Three]
Now once upon a time not too long ago
An SEO like myself had to strong arm a Google
This is not a joke in the sense of just gettin traffic
But bout a webmaster not havin no God Damn sense, try and push me!!
I tried to ignore him and talk to the Lord
Pray for him, cause some fools just love to perform
You know the type loud as a motor bike
But wouldn’t rank a site in a fruit fight
The only thing that’s gonna happen is i’mma get to ranking
He and his boys gon be yappin to the captain!
And there i go traped in the supplemental again
Back through the system with the riff raff again!
bad sites on the trying get ranked again
seo fans with they cameras snappin them
Matt Cutts . tred to give a boy the shaft again
Half-a-mil for PPC cause i’m banned again
All because this fool was spamming them
Tryin to play the boy like hes saccharin
But ain’t nothin sweeta ’bout how i hold my rank
I got 99 problems but Matt Cutts ain’t one
click me!!

[Chorus X3]

You’re crazy for this one Bee
It’s your boy!!

My Blog
The Original Song:

Hello?
Where can I find this?
I’ve been looking all day.
Is there a better way?

Come on, now
I’m searching all around.
My fingers are in pain,
I need to stretch them out again.

(I’ll) relax
But I need this information first.
My smokes are down to tWo packs
Sometimes I cough so hard it hurts.

I am so tired of all this reading.
I think it’s the cause of my blurred vision,
The power just flashed, I’m so glad I saved.
The TV is on, but I don’t know what’s playin.
When I was a child, I saw a beaver.
Then she turned around and I saw her moon
Now I see that once again
No need to explain, you understand
This is just who I am,
I have to search because I’m dumb.

Ok.
I’m going to throw a brick
I dropped it on my toe — aahhhhhh!
I think I’m gonna be sick.

Let me stand up
I don’t think it’s broken, good.
Time to get searching, you know?
Man I really need to know.

I am so tired of all this reading.
I think it’s the cause of my blurred vision,
The power just flashed, I’m so glad I saved.
The TV is on, but I don’t know what’s playin.
This is finally starting to make sense,
I think I found it, I’m going to cry.
The computer crashed, and now it is gone,
I cannot set my eyes upon it now.
The computers down, my search is done
I’ve sat here ’till my butts numb

Lyrics by Bucky from The WVb

Original Song: