The Real Search Guru

May I have your attention please?
May I have your attention please?
Will the real search guru please stand up?
I repeat, Will the real search guru please stand up?
We’re gonna have a problem here…

Y’all act like you never did black hat SEO
When your traffic was slow, not earning a cent from Quidco
And started stuffing keywords worse than before,
And without remorse, throwin’ in some hidden text
So if you’re searchin’ for… “Ah, wait, no way, you’re kidding,
He didn’t just get to page 1 with that, did he?”
And Matt Cutts says… nothing you schmucks!
Cutts is way ahead, I’m stuck in Google’s sandbox!
Marketin’ people love Brad Callen {*chigga chigga chigga*}
“Brad Callen, I’m sick of him, Look at him, e-mailin’ around sellin’ his you-know-what,
Segmentin’ the you-know-who,” “Yeah, but he’s so rich though!”
Yeah, I probably got a couple of ads with no click-through
But I’m just going through what I learned from SEO-Book
Sometimes, I wanna get on AdWords and just let loose, but can’t,
cause i gotta pay per click to sell my produce
My site is in your links, my site is in your links
And if I’m lucky, you might just give me good anchor text
And that’s the message that we deliver to Jim Boykin
And expect him not to know what a semantic index is.
Of course they gonna know what’s meant by cloaking
And not to pay for backlinks
They got SearchEnginePeople.com don’t they?
We ain’t nothing without SEO, well, some of us can’t let go
Of what the net was like pre-google
But if we can code good CSS and not be stressed
then there’s no reason that a man and another man can’t have success
But if you feel like I feel, and want page one on SERPs,
Blog about it every day and get results when people search.

[chorus]
I’m the search guru, yes I’m the real Guru
All you other search gurus just copy what I do
So won’t the real search guru please stand up,
please stand up, please stand up.

Andy Beal don’t gotta link in his blogs to sell his tools;
Well I do, so click here and click here too!
You think I really need to use link bait?
Half your sites are link farms and get no traffic anyway.
Guru, what do we do, if we’re lagging behind?
Try and get backlinks from sites with a Page Rank 9,
And use Google analytics to help you refine,
Your site so it can one day be as awesome as mine
Then sit beside Aaron Wall and Rand Fishkin
and hear ‘em argue over the best method for back-linkin’
Todd Malicote’s landing page from d-i-g-g
“Yeah, it works, but it’s not as good as technorat-ee!”
I should Google bowl your site down to PR3
and show the whole world how these days you can’t compete
I’m sick of you jumped up SEO teams, all of you are below me
so I have been sent down here to show you
That no-one else can meta tag like me,
optimize like me, and ignore DMOZ,
or link like me; digg, furl and blog like me,
I’m so great I’ve got me my own Wiki!

[chorus]

My site is easy to stumble to, cause I’m only giving you
Things that come about way before they’re on search engine room
The only difference is when google crawls, my site’s better than y’alls
I just sit back and watch as your page ranking falls,
People go on my site and digg it and whether you’d like to admit it,
My keywords did it so that 90% of searches find me,
And I wonder how can you pay for links and rank behind me,
It’s funny, cause at the rate i’m makin’ all this money
I’ll be tossin’ Bill Gates for his fortune cause it’s funny
I’m pinchin’ all your traffic cos they found my site searchin’
and its hurtin’ cause your second rate traffic ain’t convertin’
And every single person closed your site like it was curtains
You should be workin on stickiness
and not this SEO contest,
or on the forums just whining and posting how your sites don’t suck
trying to get your rep and your postcount up
So will the search guru please stand up,
and snatch one of those two letter domains right up
And be proud to be top of the pile, above the fold
With one more site, an’ its all down to SEO

[chorus]

The Original:

This entry was posted on Tuesday, June 12th, 2007 at 4:18 am and is filed under Contest. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.