This article is for entertainment purposes only; facts and opinions included may be partly or entirely fictional.

If you're reading this, you probably want some advice. Hey, maybe you're even desperate.

Let me guess. You have a site about something you are sure is fascinating, say, your line-dancing chihuahua, or alien crop circles on Mars, but you're just not getting the traffic you deserve.

Now, of course, you've read all the usual white hat SEO advice, and you applied it just like they said:

  • Inserted "Damn, this stuff is good!" in every paragrah
  • Used a big Comic Sans font on a Christmas background
  • Added a photo of Mr. Page on each page to please him.

Yet, you're still not ranking very well on any of your keywords. Bugger.

Well, that's about to end. Buckle up, I'll teach you real SEO today.

You may have heard about Black Hat SEO before. Don't worry, Harry Potter has nothing to do with it. Maybe you feel like it's not for you, maybe you are Scared of Google's Wrath, or you are just more into purple hats with yellow feathers, but I'm telling you now: Black Hat SEO is the only way to get Really Good Rankings, Real Quick.

As an example, let me tell you about my friend Hassan. He's selling talking carpets, but despite his excellent website, he ranked poorly for his keywords, resulting in visitors looking for either talking buddha heads or meat-eating carpets. Obviously, he needed a fix.

That's when I introduced Hassan to SEM. You're thinking that's for Search Engine Marketing, but that's a smoke curtain. SEM stands for Search Engine Mafia. It's an international organization with local branches everywhere. You can also find them on Mafia+.

As you can imagine, there's no brochure or a guided tour, but believe me: The SEM is very effective. They have deeply infiltrated all major search engines. Remember that time when Google's Larry Page showed up in a hamburger suit? They made him do that.

Anyway, I set up Hassan with one of the SEM consultants, and overnight, his traffic was off the charts. He sold thousands of carpets in a week, and he would have sold out before the end of the month if his server hadn't overheated of all the traffic. That's what the SEM can do for you too.

Dealing with the SEM is not for the weak of heart, though. You can't pay for their services; you owe them, and when they need a favor, they'll come and ask. If you don't return the favor, well, things can go sour.

My friend Hassan, for example, failed to deliver a carpet that could speak Persian to his SEM consultant, and the SEM forced him to train his carpets for use in porn movies. Oh well, no pain, no gain.

So, that's all you need to know to boost your search engine rankings instantly! Contact your local Search Engine Mafia consultant today for great rankings tomorrow.

SEM Consultant Paul Vitti: "I'll give you rankings you can't refuse!"

Or you could, you know, go back and listen to the creepy desert wind, sweeping over your lonely content...